Grief, Grace and Gratitude

Mother's Day, 1992

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

I love you.

I headed out to the cemetary early this morning. It's a simple and beautiful one. My mother's ashes are interred in a marble block that has benches around it... trees around...quail running through the outskirts. I placed the two tulips into the flower holders of both Mom and my grandmother and grandfather. Then wept.

As I was alone in my memories and tears, I heard a sound to my left. A father and son were clutching to each other..sobbing into the other one's shoulder in front of a crypt several yards away. I turned my face to give them privacy to their grief...and returned to mine. Strangers bound by a common bond... loss.

I can not tell you what made me turn around to look behind me...I only know that I did. A woman, probably in her late thirties or so was walking straight towards my way. She wore jeans, biker boots, a 'Harley-Davidson' tank shirt and a sleeveless denim shirt. Her short, thick hands whispered of a life lived hard. When she saw me turn, she said 'hi'...I managed a drippy 'hi'...thinking she was visiting one of the graves just behind me...which are mostly of children who have passed from this world. Instead, she said something to me...I can not remember what, but I found myself apologizing to her...saying 'I was sorry'... she came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder and asked if I had lost someone. I told her my mom...and she asked where her plaque was. I pointed to it. She said not to apologize..that crying rids the body of poisons. She said, "I've lost my father...but not my mother. I'm afraid to loose her. Is it hard? Is it harder to loose your mother?" I told her it was the hardest. I asked who she was visiting. She told me twice before I understood what she was saying...her father was buried somewhere else. I wondered why she was here then. She said she was here with a friend 'over there'. I didn't see anyone.

She sat down beside me and began to tell me how she had been estranged from her mother until three years ago. That she now had come to know her mother for the woman that she is and that she had so much admiration and respect for her, and her tears began to fall. I asked where her mother lived and she said 'Apache Junction'. Then she asked me "Should I see her today?" I nodded, then said that if she couldn't see her, at least give her a call today. I could tell that there was a story behind her asking me this on Mother's Day...but it was not for me to pry. We sat there on the marble bench...silent...an arm draped around a shoulder... two strangers, yet...two women.... one here for the other.

"I'm Carol." I said as I held out my hand. "Hi Carol. I'm Vonnie."

She shared that she had been divorced and how 'freeing' it was for her...that if a man doesn't treat you the right way, it's time to pack up your toys and go home. She also said that God will send a man into my life if that is what His plan is ...it may be at the restrooms at the state fair, but if that is His plan, then it will happen. (um..I wasn't wondering this...but she kindly offered this advice.) I laughed that I guess I better start going to the fair then... it was a nice relief to the somberness of the moment.

She said she had better get going..that her friend would be wondering where she was. But before she left, she took a picture with her cell phone of the statue on the top of the crypt. It's a white sculpture of Mary holding her son's body in her lap after he was taken down from the cross. She said it's called 'the pieta' and that the original one created by DaVinci is in Italy...where she wants to go. She wished me a happy Mother's Day, gave me a hug, and then turned....running off the way she had come. I turned back towards my mother's crypt...paused.. then turned back to see Vonnie one more time.

She was gone.

I sat for a while thinking about the visit from this woman. The words of comfort that she had brought. The fact that she seemed to appear out of no where, and just as silently, disappear. A simple exchange between two strangers but for a brief moment in time.

Maybe not all angels wear white robes and haloes... riding on feathered, white wings... I thought.

Maybe .. just maybe...some ride on Harley's...

T.G.I.F. !!!

Thank gawd it's Friday...


It's been one of those crazy, over-worked weeks...the kind that are just insane. I went to bed last Sunday night wishing the week was already over, and I don't like feeling like that. The end of the school year just cranks up to super-high gear and it makes it hard to just enjoy the moments that I have left with my kiddos. I was at school last night for 'curriculum night' and I helped my dear friend with the book fair - families come to the library and buy books...it's such a fun night, but being gone from home for 13 1/2 hours is a bit tough. My daughter even mentioned how much I had been gone this week...and she loves being home alone!! My goal was to make it to today...upright! This morning was 'field day'.... 2 hours outside rotating through an assortment of p.e. activities. I tend to dread it...I'm exhausted from the week's activities already...but the kiddos love it and once you get going, it's not so bad...'cept for the dust, dirt and heat. That's why the 'otter pop' station is such a popular one!!

As we were getting lined up for lunch, a call from the office asked if I would pick something up that was there for me. So I sauntered on up after taking my kiddos to lunch...and a box awaited my opening. With tears, and the help from some friends of mine, I opened the box which beheld a beautiful bouquet of spring tulips (and love) ...from my daughter and son. There were so many, that I was able to make another bouquet for my bedroom and share a few with my daughter with her own mini-bouquet! I just love them, and think that they are so pretty!

My daughter's comment about being gone so much really hung with me...and so today, I decided to treat M and myself to something that I haven't done in over a year... a pedicure! I was in such need of this! So I picked dear M up after work and we drove to a little place nearby for some much needed pampering.... voila'! A patriotic pedicure! My favorite OPI red - 'I'm not really a waitress' red, dotted with white blossoms and topped with blue crystals! It was the gal's idea, and I was too trashed to even consider not doing it... a massage chair, a hot tub for my tootsies, and a pedicure ... lordy, I just about slid off that vibrating seat and crumbled right into the pedicure tub! Man, doesn't that just make you feel so much better?? M's are even cuter!!

A quick trip to the market to pick up some steaks, a couple ears of white corn and a loaf of chibatta bread had us then heading towards home. What a lovely four-letter word!! H O M E ! I lit the charcoal grill then headed up to shower off the field day from this morning. A fresh pair of lounging p.j.'s, a glass of shiraz and a steak and corn dinner...and I feel like a new woman!! I'm going to indulge in another glass of '2-buck chuck', open some devine chocolate truffles from one of my kiddos for 'teacher appreciation' week, and then crawl into my sweet, soft, comfortable bed....

for a month....

oh, how I wish!

For Just a Day....

As the days have passed of late, the topic of
'mother' has been on a lot of minds. In my class, my students wrote out the recipe of their favorite dish that their moms make.... ingredients and directions! I typed each recipe up, printed them and bound them into recipe books for the moms...complete with each child's picture and a dedication page. They are priceless! They also are giving their moms beautfiul clay vases that they made in art. I'm sure these will be treasures which their moms will love for a long, long time.

Of course, every sort of media is reminding even the most forgetful that Mother's Day is coming up! We are given all sorts of hints and suggestions as to what to give our mothers to let her know how special she is and how much we love her. Flowers, dinner, electronics, clothes, purses, perfume.... tokens of forever love and deep appreciation.

Sometimes relationships with mothers aren't always flowers and butterflies and flute solos drifting on spring breezes. Often, the relationship one has with one's mother can be challenging, hurtful, frustrating... and confusing. Most are a combination of the good and the bad, the up and the down, the easy and difficult. As with any relationship, those we have with our mothers ride waves. I know mine did.

I say 'did', because my mom died 3 1/2 years ago.

My mom had been sick for about 5 years before she died. She endured countless doctor visits, many, many, many medical tests and procedures, several surgeries, so many medications, dialysis, nursing homes, heart attack, several ambulance rides to the hospital and on.... and on.... I can't tell you how many times I watched her life end, only to be brought back by modern medicine. I did many things to help her be as comfortable and reassured as I could during those years. But often, I felt like I hadn't done enough...not because she made me feel that way, but because I felt so damn helpless to make her well....so damn helpless...

As her birthday is also this month, I think about her even more so during this time. I keep her picture in a very pretty flowered frame right by my desk at school. I look at it often....and think...

...if I only had one more day with Mom, I would...

...put aside the plans I made for Saturday and take her for ice cream and a ride
...call her up for no other reason than to tell her that I loved her
...drive over with some flowers from Trader Joe's and surprise her
...forgive her more for the times that I felt that she didn't live up to my expectations of how she should treat me
...have my picture taken with her
...buy her a Martha Stewart magazine and take it over to her
...offer to rub her hurting feet with some pretty-smelling lotion
...buy her a pretty gown and wrap it up in with a blue bow and watch her open it
...sit beside her on the bed, hold her hand in mine and tell her 'thank you' for taking such good care of me
...have my children spend a few more minutes of their 'precious' time either visiting her or calling her on the phone for just a few minutes, to let her know that she was important in their lives
...make a big bowl of gazpacho for her and deliver it with a hug
...have more patience with her
...and more understanding for her
...sit with her and just listen

....if I only had just one more day with Mom...

For those who will be spending time this weekend with your moms, enjoy her to the fullest! For those whose mother has passed on, I send you a hug and peace for your heart. And for those who are a mom, themselves, may your Mother's Day be full of love and good times!

Happy Mother's Day, ladies!

Ornamental Orbs

The weather is just glorious and it has been a very nice weekend, indeedy! Wonderful son came over yesterday and worked very heartily in the yard fixing sprinkler heads and other water issues. I hosted my friend, Miss K of Simplicity Wins, for a yum-yum dinner of salmon grilled on cedar plank, spring salad with cranberries, red and yellow pearl tomatoes, feta cheese and cranberries, rosemary bread with herbed olive oil for dipping, white sangria and cheesecake drizzled with macerated strawberries. A very nice time, indeedy.

Today, ya-ya N and I headed up to a place in Cave Creek that has just a bunch of junk! Well, it's called 'The Town Dump'. I have to say, I was disappointed. I expected to find antique treasures galore, knick-knacks of all sorts and things for a steal of a price that I just simply can't live without!! Well, it didn't work that way. At all. BUT, I did gather these two glass balls for my yard adornment. I have to laugh because my friend, Miss Sadie, has several similar balls hanging in her yard and when N and I went up to visit her, we asked her where she got them...thinking that there was some mystical, secluded, oh-so-unique shop that she would stear us to. 'Target!' was her reply. So much for mystical! Well, today, said dump had a basket of these globes...and I just had to have a couple! So I chose a crackled spring-green one and a sterling purple one. I also visited my friendly Ace Hardware store and found the perfect hardware for hanging them! The gentlemen were so helpful there! Maybe because they know how to work with balls.... just a guess.....

The Light of Day

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous

talented and fabulous?"

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God!

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

- Marianne Williamson