Solitary Shadow

Of late, my mind has gone to the dogs. Literally. Last week I visited our local animal shelter with my good friends 'just to look'.... I've thought about getting another dog from time to time, but my heart just hasn't been ready since I lost Ross last July. I was quite smitten with a beautiful dog at the shelter - Waldo - and we had a wonderful love fest. He has a beautiful, kind, gentle spirit and after a talk with my daughter and my good friend, S, I made the call to say I wanted to give Waldo a new home. Alas, this beautiful animal had just been adopted hours earlier. I am positive that fate had a hand in this and I am very okay, for I know that Waldo sleeps in a warm, loving home at night now and that if it had been meant to be, it would have worked out differently.

Our weather has become absolutely beautiful. Every so often, the words 'I should go for my walk today' drift through my mind - only to be immediately scolded by my heart's armour -

"You can't. Ross isn't here anymore. You can't go for your walk without him. It will be too hard to do. Too many memories....just too many memories of when you and he would go for your walks."

And I have acquiesced every single time - sure that my heart's armour spoke truthfully....and not feeling strong enough to prove it differently. Until today...The words to walk drifted by me again, and yes, the amour had its say as well. But, I decided that with the new year, came new beginnings. So during church this morning, I decided I would take my walk when I got home. And I would take it alone.

So with laces tied up, and a good-bye wink to Skittles laying in the front garden, I took my first few steps.

Around the first corner I looked upward and asked my buddy for a little help on this first walk without him. As I did, I saw a contrail rise above a bird in this tree and smiled at the irony of this picture - a creature that flies naturally while a man-made version soars miles above.

Soon, these guys were telling me how irritated they were that I had disturbed their late morning nap as they waddled towards the water's edge - especially the one in the middle!! Ross never gave them chase, but was so intrigued with the scents around!

As I rounded the bend, my path was before me....and I had to take slow, steady breaths as I remembered how I would put Ross back on the leash and hear the children at the upcoming tot-lot always say 'Look at that dog!'

....slow, steady breaths....

The sun felt warm and I thought of how this was the place where I would be ahead....Ross off the leash again and taking his sweet time gathering scents along our way. A quick 'Come on, Ross.' would bring him running to me with a smile on his face and his silky white and black fur waving to the rhythm of his running stride. He'd race past me, only to be stopped by a curious scent at another bush up ahead. This was my favorite part of our walk.

Winter's quell has finally brought barren trees as leaves finish their annual fall....
....revealing hidden treasures among the boughs.

Over the bridge I went, but this time I was the leader...in a parade of one.

A rainbow trout swam lazily in the winter sun past a

white down duck feather floating on top.

Red berries clinging onto bare branches... this is where Ross would whine and whine as dogs would run along their back fences - barking at us incessantly! This was our least favorite part of our walk and we would briskly pass those yappy dogs as I'd soothe Ross' nerves with a gentle 'It's okay, Ross....it's okay....'

Beauty all along my path.... below me....

....and above.

On the way home I pass by one of my favorite trees -ornamented with bird's nests. By now, Ross' pace would slow just a wee bit ... and soon we'd be home to slurps of cool water and a good, good feeling.

Yes, there were some tears as I wound my way around our route - noticing that there was only one, solitary shadow along the way. Memories are still very fresh and my heart's armour is still protective of me. But I tell myself that I did it....I made our walk alone.

Or did I?

Maybe, just maybe...

I really wasn't alone after all.

Christmas Blessing

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them,
Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David, a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you;

Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God,

and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
LUKE 2:8-14

Angels Don't Always Wear White - Sometimes They Wear Fatigues

Behold an early Christmas gift that showed up on my doorstep yesterday!! An angel dressed in his fatigues!! Let me explain....

I attended the funeral for my little student's mother yesterday morning.... it was a beautiful, simple, very emotional ceremony. Afterwards, we went to their home for a warm reception. I'll admit....I was worthless. The food and kitchen activities were being handled by wonderful women from our school. Family and friends gathered and visited and children ran up and down the stairs while a video of this beautiful mom taken from her family way too soon played on the television. I found little J, and once again, she jumped up on me for a long, tight hug - and at one point, I was embarrassed by myself, for I felt that the tides had turned a bit and that she was comforting me more than I was her. After paying my respects, I quietly left.....

I had a few gifts to buy for my son and daughter so I attempted to go to several stores to get these....well, I was a total idiot driving around town.... I couldn't focus, got lost, had tons of doubts about what I had planned on buying for them, etc. I finally made it into one store and was looking through all of the picture frames (I am going to give the picture of J and her family to them next week, I've decided) when someone called out my name. I turned around to see one of my wonderful parents whom I have known for many years and her boyfriend. Let's be honest here....

I looked like shit.

I was embarrassed by how I looked - puffy, red eyes...make-up cried off.....sorrow in my heart as I feebly attempted to find some Christmas spirit among the left-over items on the store shelves... We exchanged pleasantries and good wishes and I went on with my shopping....

When I got home, I was absolutely spent. Four days into my winter break, and I was worn out, cried out and so behind in what I felt I needed to do to be ready for the big day this week. I fixed myself a snack since I hadn't eaten all day and just as I took the first bite, the doorbell rang. "Crap!" I thought....

M couldn't tell who it was and so I went to the door. A quick glance through the window showed a military man standing at my door. 'Great!' I thought. 'Now they have military men selling magazine subscriptions door to door!' I opened the door and started to say "Yeessss..... ??" .....
but before I could even say the sound for the letter 'y', I gasped, screamed and burst into tears, for standing at my door was this wonderful young man!!! Who is he? He is a former student of mine...from many years ago!

This is Nick - a new recruit who enlisted into the Army Reserves this past September. Back in August, 1998, I was fortunate enough to be hired as my daughter's 1st/2nd grade substitute as her teacher went on maternity leave. I was to begin the school year with her class (who was returning back to her from having done 1st grade with her) and I was her sub through Thanksgiving. The children all knew each other, as they had been together the previous year. But I received a new little student Nick, one day - I believe his family came from California. He was quiet, shy, cute and a bit moody about all of the changes he was going through. There were days he would quietly be a bit stubborn about doing his work. I tried my bag of tricks to get through to him - none of which were very successful. Finally, out of sheer frustration, I walked the class to P.E., but told Nick to come back to the classroom with me. We were going to have a pow-wow about his behavior. And we did. I'll never forget Nick sitting in that little blue plastic chair by mine. His hands in his lap. His bottom lip sticking out. His brown eyes looking sad. And his jaw set firm as I told him how the cow ate the cabbage. He stoically listened to everything I said showing no emotion and saying nothing. Afterwards, we walked back to pick up the class from P.E. in silence and I was sure that I had turned him off to me, school, everything with my hard-nosed chat with him that day.

But something in this young boy didn't give up on me. No, Nick never gave up on me.

Through the years, as he went through the intermediate grades, he would come by my room every so often to get a hug and say 'hello'. I would ask him how he was doing, how school was going, how his family members were doing. We'd visit for a while, then I'd hug him, tell him to take care and go back to the rhythm of my day. Nick moved on to junior high and high school - even being in band with my daughter and I'd ask her if she had seen Nick and how was he. Occasionally, I'd see him riding his bike around the neighborhood and we'd sometimes run into each other at the store, etc. Often, Nick would show up at my home out of the blue and we'd catch up on how he was doing. A couple of years ago, Nick had a period of time, like so many young people do, where some choices he made weren't the best for him. I was ticked at what I heard he was doing and scared, too. Yet, when he would come by, I'd always have a hug for him and listen to his world.

This past summer, the doorbell rang one hot day. There was Nick. I hadn't seen him in a while and he looked great! He had just spent the day at the V.A. hospital getting his physical done....he had enlisted in the Army Reserves! I was happy, thrilled, shocked and ... yes, scared. How can you not be scared for anyone who is in the military?? He spoke with confidence, excitement, focus and direction. I listened to his future, his hopes, his life before him and I couldn't stop thinking of how much this young boy was growing into such a wonderful young man!! He promised to keep in touch with me as he hugged me and left....

And he did. Here he was now, sitting in my family room - confident, strong, happy, secure and full of love for what he is doing!!! He finishes up in February and will be stationed here in the valley. He will be heading out to Afghanistan within a year. He and M had a wonderful visit, too - these two classmates who have known each other since 2nd grade.... And he was so sweet as I would occasionally get teary-eyed throughout our visit..... my emotions already raw and then to be graced with his surprise visit. What a blessing I was given!!

The time came that he had to be going. He gave me another big, huge hug as he put on his jacket and hat. He's staying with his family and catching up with his friends. We exchanged emails and he will keep in touch with me. I told him how very, very proud I am of him and how happy and great he looks!! He knows my door is always open to him.

I received the most wonderful of Christmas gifts today - a visit from my Nick. It reminds me that, each night when I lay my head down to sleep, there are untold numbers of men and women all around this world, like Nick, who are standing post in the cold night, huddled in a tent or foxhole, or tending the wounded who give their lives to keep me safe and free..... to keep us all safe and free! May God bless each and every one of them and their families.

Yes.... angels don't always wear white.

Picture In Your Mind...

It's been a month since I last wrote .... I've been well-aware of this. I've thought of blogging several times, but not having the right picture has dampened my little light of inspiration. However, today is a day to post, to think, to ponder, to reflect....but this time, the picture will be from your mind and not from my camera.

It has been a pensive time; many irons-in-the-fire and things to do......and, yet, a time where the focus of people that I dearly love keeps seeping through my crazy days.....like a quiet little rivulet of water, salted by tears.....

Tonight I will be attending the rosary for the beautiful, young mother of one of my students. This woman endured a very long, painful fight against an illness which eventually took its final toll on her 3 days ago... Thursday, I maintained normalcy in my classroom and guided my kiddos through a pajama/pizza party and a ride on the 'Polar Express' as my heart quietly hurt with the knowledge that my little student would soon learn, herself, upon her return home that afternoon that her beautiful mother was no longer there. I thought about her all that afternoon and all evening long. Friday morning...greeting my kiddos outside the door upon the chilly morning's bell ring, this little girl was the last one to come running across the grass towards the line. I had the other children go on inside as I walked back through to greet her and give her a hug. Instead, as I bent down, she jumped onto me - throwing her arms tightly around my neck and her legs around my body....

and she sobbed..."I miss my mommy."

She sobbed into that soft spot between my left shoulder and neck....with a tightness in her arms and legs around me that I have never felt from a child before....ever.

She didn't let go for over 20 minutes....clinging to me like a bear cub to a tree...her grip never easing up, as if she was afraid that she would fall if she did....

We were needing to walk over to a holiday show at the neighboring junior high pronto...
but there was no way I was going to interrupt this child's moment of grief....
so a wonderful staff member took my class over for the show....

...and J and I sat at my desk....

...and I held her for those 20-plus minutes and let her cry.... and cry.... and sniffle..... trying to comfort her and her heart while the horrible reality of what had happened in this precious child's world settle down around the two of us in the silence of my classroom like soft, cold, winter snowflakes....

Later that morning after the show, J sat with me in my rocking chair and she and I told the other boys and girls of the news.... that her mother had passed away. A child-like gasp answered back.... and then tears fell from classmates who had known of J's mother's illness months ago, but, as children so wonderfully do, had held out hope for a happy ending to this story, too.

Cards vividly illustrated with crayons, colored pencils and markers soon came to be.... floating pink hearts with scalloped borders, yellow flowers on green stems, stick children holding hands and hugging with smiling faces under rainbows..... words like 'love', 'sorry', and 'friend' danced across the white card stock with invisible hugs of love folded inside each one. A grosgrain ribbon of spring green tied the gifts of love into a bundle that J would take home and, hopefully, remind her of how much we love her and how sorry we all are for her and her family. Her deep brown eyes were finally dry and a beautiful smile bowed between her dimpled cheeks as she carefully tucked the bundle into her pink backpack and zipped it closed.

Tomorrow I will attend the funeral service for her mother. And I am lost....lost as to what to say, lost as to whether I bring her something.... a teddy bear? a bracelet? Or what about the picture of her and her amazing family taken at our flag ceremony last month when she won the bike for the 'Character Counts' award that was just given to me a week ago...her beautiful mother smiling with a bouquet of pink-tipped cream roses in her arms? I've been planning on buying a frame for it and giving it to her.....but now I wonder if it's too soon to give that picture to her??? Will it make her feel even worse? Make her cry even more?? Miss her mom even more?? I don't want to cause her any more heartache....

..... I don't know....

I just don't know.

I sat quietly in church this morning - looking like a bump-on-a-log....staring off into space as 'Angels We Have Heard On High' surrounded me.... trying to hold back unexpected tears and trying to be still enough to hear what God wanted me to do... hoping for direction...an idea... a "That's it!!!' epiphany as to what to do. All I could come up with that didn't seem like a feeble attempt at helping was calling Dad and asking if I could help with anything today... Maybe the kids needed to go shopping for new shoes for their mother's rosary tonight. Did the girls have dresses or did the boys need some dress pants?? Maybe there was an errand I could do for them, or was there something that I could bring them...... Dad was wonderful and family members were there helping him out so all was good. But he did tell me that he would probably need help later on....after everyone leaves and goes back home...

Concurrently, two women whom I adore and admire in so many, many ways fight the fight of breast cancer and my thoughts, love and prayers fall on them daily. Updates, hugs, happy hours, .... each encounter is a precious one for me.

I find myself feeling the focus of this next week or so is not a flat screen t.v., a wii, or diamond jewelry or whatever the store ads try to entice us to buy. I find myself, in a bit of a panicky way, wanting to gather my family and friends into a tight, tight circle....and hug them and hold onto them...and feel their body warmth and hear their laughter in my ears and see their twinkled eyes...... I want to hold onto them all so very tightly...

like a bear cub clinging to a tree.....

...for they are the gifts in my world this holiday season.

May Christmas blessings surround you and your loved ones this week.

Playing - A Treasured Past-Time

Ahhhh..... Autumn has left me mellow and drinking in all of the wonderful colors that I see.... It's been way too long since I took some photos with my oh-I-so-love-it Nikon. I had no intention of taking any today, either....too much to do before the big Thanksgiving feast here on Thursday. But an impulse prevailed over dusting and so I tippied out to the back yard for a few pics of my flowers. Upon loading the photos up, I discovered these... taken after the Ya-Ya trip up to the cabin a month ago. We had gone on a forest walk and collected treasures along the way. Once I got home, I arranged my goodies in an amazing wooden bowl that I had picked up recently.... I love the textures of the pine needles, pine cones and the sprinkle of peacock feathers among them.... so I played with my Nikon one afternoon....

I can't seem to get close enough to nature....


Our patient, Skittles, is doing fabulous! She is ornery, growing her back hair in and back to roaming back and forth across the street or lounging out on the 'sitting rock' - taking a lazy sun bath in the autumn afternoon....

A few weeks ago I visited the nursery and brought home a treat for da kitties... Skittles was all over the catnip and apparently its effect was grand!......

...for soon.... this was da baby Skittles.... schnoozing on the porch swing.....

Today I played in the garden with my Nikon.... not worrying too much about settings or lighting....

just simply playing....

a new rose bush - proceeds of which went to the Susan B. Komen Breast Cancer Awareness Fund...

.... um, yup.... a picture of birdseed in my 'reclaimed' bird bath feeder....

...this little guy is in my old antique sink garden....

...as is this little one, too....

I ADORE pansies!!! And I think little 'johnny-jump-ups' are just the sweetest! These little fellows have a place at the base of my bird bath and jacaranda tree...and seem pretty darn happy about it all!

Simply beautiful.

As I was shooting this cutie, I notice a red dot moving around on the right yellow petal - a little eensy-weensy red spider!! Do you see him??

A little bit later I was hanging some laundry on the clothes line and this beauty caught my eye...just laying there...so I grabbed my camera again and began shooting....

...only to be interrupted by someone....

...who couldn't resist playing in the leaves, himself....

A busy week ahead with excitement - a real family Thanksgiving will be this Thursday and I can't wait. Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE holiday of the year!! Pumpkin pie, my Mom's famous Waldorf Salad, a 20 lb. turkey and my awesome dressing and my world-famous gravy are on the menu. My sister is coming over Wednesday evening with collard greens, garlic mashed potatoes and her suitcase because she's staying for a few nights....we can't wait!!! Are you busy with plans for the days ahead, too? Do share what they are....

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!! : )