I Enjoy Being A Girl

...it's being a 'mature' woman that's the kicker! Case in point....

Lately, a woman has been staring at me when I get ready for work in the morning. She has circles under her eyes, a sallow complexion and saggy jowls. Her face seems drained... empty.

And I feel sorry for her when I stop and look into her eyes.

...because she is me.

So the other day I decided that I should heed all of the Madison Avenue warnings of how aged I look, how used up my face is...how there is HOPE at the cosmetic aisle at my local Wal-Mart just waiting to turn my face around! With list in hand and weed killer in my cart, I proceeded over to find the perfect remedy for my appearance plight. As I am an 'Oil of Olay' gal (and have been for over 25 years) I decided to see what miracles in a bottle they might have for me. After all, I am a simple gal - I wash my face with soap (occassionaly use St. Ives apricot scrub), slather on some unscented Oil of Olay and call me done. I'm sure that there is something I can purchase that will kick my beauty routine up a notch and send my appearance into orbit! Oh, and let's not forget - hold back those obnoxious hands on that clock that Father Times seems to have overwound to fast forward!

Yes... here's the aisle... let's see here..... hmm....

?????? !!!!! ??????

This is confusing... oh wait... what about this one...no... I .. um.. wait a minute... is that what I want? need? I'm not sure...uh...

oh, for Pete's sake!!

...... it was utter confusion on my part. It shouldn't be this complicated!!

There were packages upon packages that contained products bearing all sorts of promises and dreams. Potions that assured me that they would brighten, firm, resurface, tone, define, plump, peel, reduce, smooth, lift, renew, moisturize and buff my skin. There were lotions, creams, formulas, complexes and serums that would invigorate, penetrate, illuminate, exfoliate, hydrate, rejuevinate and permeate my skin. And don't forget the anti-wrinkle, anti-oxidants, anti-aging, anti-blemish, anti-pore clogging features these concoctions contain, too! Kits were abounding as well... kits to do your own home chemical peel, kits to do a micro-dermabrasion...kits with glycolic acid, salicylic acid, collagen... sounds more like my chemistry lab in high school, instead.

As any fashionista knows, money is nooooooo object when turning back the hands of time and the evidence of a life of hard work! I could purchase these tiny containers cleverly packaged into over-sized plastic boxes for a mere $17.95, $23.96, $18.99, $33.96, $27.99 and on and on. So simple. Just throw a couple of these 'fountains-of-youth in a jar' into your cart (beside the loaves of bread, weed killer and toilet paper) and you'll be turning heads and having people whisper behind your back "Just what IS she doing?? She looks fantastic!"

You've got to be kidding me....

I was so confused, over-whelmed and indignant about the whole scene that I left the aisle without any of it. I told myself that I'll just continue with the 'beauty regimen' that I have, thank you very much! So world, here's your official warning.... I'm going to spray my weeds, eat cinnamon toast and read my 'Oprah' in the bathroom with a sallow, sagging and listless complexion.

God help you!