Taking Off The Mask

This post is raw.... and not of my usual style.... just so you know. I can't count how many times I've thought of composing this post, only to negate its purpose or value or place...and move on. I've thought of what I would say and, perhaps, what I wouldn't say....

...and I have left the page blank and empty....

even though my heart is heavy and full.

Part of this comes from the side you let others see of you when you blog. I'm a basic gal and what you see is truly what you get. I don't know how to be phoney. I wear my heart and my emotions on my sleeve and my face... I could never play poker because I have absolutely no talent in masking my feelings.

But truth be told, lately I have masked my feelings.

Truth be told... I'm struggling. Struggling to make sense of events that have crossed my path.

Life does throw you curves. We all do hit potholes. We climb out of them. We get back on the road and continue on. I'm sure you've done your fair share of this, have you not?

But lately, it seems as if I am questioning 'it all'. I lost my dad 3 weeks ago. Two weeks ago I found out that my ex is now homeless. And today, it was confirmed that my dear, sweet dog, Ross, has terminal cancer. He will not be with me much longer.

I am numb.

I am weary.

I am weepy.

I am questioning 'it all'. Why so much my way? Why, when I finally get back on the road, another event comes around the curve? Why soooo, soooo much loss.... in such a relatively short amount of time? Why such hardness? Why such heartache...... ?

I am angry and bitter - shamefully, at God. I ask Him why? Why take so many precious things from me? And then, take a young, sweet dog who is adored by my students and school...a dog who saved me as much as I saved him.... why must he be taken from me, too?

And no sooner do I weep these words and thoughts, then I think of those who sit by their child's hospital bed...hoping beyond hope for a miracle... those who have no food for their family dinner, those who face illness, those who are alone.....how they would give their life for my problems, for my events.... and I am ashamed that I feel as I do. There are so many in this world who suffer in ways unimaginable. I know there are so many who have it so much worse than me....and here I am feeling overwhelmed over my 'life events'.

I also really don't believe in my heart that God makes bad things happen to people. He is not a punishing God. He is a God of love. I guess right now, I'm not feeling the love. I tell myself there must be some kind of lesson that I am suppose to learn in this, but to be honest, I'm tired of learning...I'm tired of this 'school'. I don't want to learn these life lessons anymore.

But this is life. Life happens. Be it good. Be it bad. Life happens. And the learning of lessons continues, whether I am a willing student or not. I firmly believe that the universe has me walking this path for a purpose, for a reason. I just wish that my path crossed John Mellencamp's sidewalk once and that we went for a ride on his Harley...but that is not going to happen!

I've tried to forge my way through these last six weeks with as much strength and grace as I can. I'm trying to build these two things up, as well, for the days ahead with Ross. The inevitable is not going to be easy.

The next week or so will find me indulging Ross in all of his wants, until his beautiful brown eyes tell me that the time has come. The next week or so will find me apologizing to God for my anger and asking for His grace to cover me. The next week or so will find me trying to figure out how and when to tell my students about our beloved Ross. The next week will find me trying to understand the purpose and value and point of this new lesson. The next week or so will find me trying to remember to be grateful for all of the blessings that I have in my life.

So if I am quiet here, if I am a bit silent, I hope you'll understand.