Wednesday, August 30, 2006

So True... So Very True

I wanted a perfect ending...
Now I've learned,
the hard way,
that some poems don't rhyme,
and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end.
Life is about not knowing,
having to change,
taking the moment and making the best of it,
without knowing what's going to happen next.
- Gilda Radner

Monday, August 28, 2006

told you

i told him 'hi'
i told him that he looked good
i told him that the kids say he's been doing better

he told me that he doesn't have a job

i told him that he's a good man... i told him that twice
i told him he is a very smart man
i told him that he's a good worker with a lot to offer

he told me that he's depressed and the medicine doesn't seem to be doing much

i told him that i've had no choice but to be ok when he asked how i was
i told him that it's been hard
i told him i pay for everything

he told me that he feels like he's let me and m down

i told him he has

i told him that he needs d and m in his life
i told him that d and m need him in their lives in a healthy and positive way
i told him that all i wish for him is to take care of himself and do what he needs to do to be healthy

i told my heart to be quiet and not to say what it wants to say as i drove away crying
i told myself that i made the right choice as i second guessed myself in so many ways
i told myself that i have to continue on this path even though i don't know the future

i asked God to take care of him for me

Saturday, August 19, 2006

It's In The Air....

It's subtle....

but it's there.


It's in the air.

I noticed it earlier this week. Playground duty. Hot, humid and icky.


there was this ever-so-soothing breeze swirling by and it made the hot, humid, icky air a bit cooler...and even a bit relieving. Maybe summer had turned around for the return flight back into the year.

Can you hear that?? Ahhh... yes. Tooooooooooooooooot ... Toooooooooooooooooot ... Toot .... Toooooooooooooooooooot! The train whistle. I notice it every time and I love it every time. I can hear it from school. I can even hear it lying in bed at night. But the train whistle is an elusive sound. It does not play well with heavy summer air. Its stage is the lighter, cooler air of autumn, winter and spring. That's when its lonesome, melodic notes of passage float on lighter breezes and seep into our windows, our yards and our minds. The first job I was ever aware that my dad had was working for the Pennsylvania Railroad in Columbus. He worked downtown at a type of headquarters... we called it 'DC'. ...machines spitting out tickertape - punched with information, routes, directions. Black, glossy old-fashioned phones with metal dials that you put your finger in and turned. Big, black headsets so that he could speak to ??? on the other end of the line. Amber lightbulbs shining down on parchment paper as it rolled out of the manual typewriter - its worn, metal keys stamped with gray letters and numbers. Rows and rows of machines, information and communication clicking, humming, pausing, ringing, working to keep all the trains safe and literally on the right track as they moved through lines of rail. I found it all facinating and keep very fond memories of visiting my dad's work tucked away. So when I hear a train whistle, I savor it. I listen to it...really listen to it. Did you know that the engineer has to blow when approaching a crossing with the pattern long, long, short, long? Listen, next time.

The light has changed, as well. Sunlight. It's no longer blazing white. It's starting to mellow into its autumnal gold. I notice it when I walk into the bathroom in the morning. I have a wonderful arched window by my bath tub with a beautiful feathery green jacaranda tree peeking in. Subtle gold is starting to wash the leaves...the harshness of summer white ebbing away. The light is also beginning it's autumn slant. No longer bathing us from straight above, it glows in from the low side. A true sign of the sun beginning its southern journey.

There's been change in the world of work and home. The next 10 days hold the answers to how much change on the homefront. Perhaps the rays of bright, golden light I saw radiating out from behind a cumulonimbus the other evening are pretelling of good news ahead. Peace at home. My true home.


It's subtle...

but it's here.