Pity, Party of One

I haven't posted lately... mostly because what I would like to type would be rather depressing, I suppose. I've been in a slump since court. Worried about things... things that have to do with M and I. Money. The future. How things will work out.

I've also found myself being ticked. Ticked at what was not said. Ticked at the situation that I'm in. Ticked that the whole weight of parenthood and life are on my shoulders. They ache. They are tired of holding everything up. Tired of fighting to rectify lost payments, fraudulent charges attempted to be made, paperwork, calls to return, accounts to balance and repairs to be made.

We are starting my most favorite time of year and I am, once again, having a hard time getting into the season. Fall is my most beloved time... I love the colors, the weather, the anticipation of the year slowing down and the holidays coming. Cooking with my favorite Le Crueset dutch oven, trying out yummy recipes, decorating my house for fall, scented candles, ... all of it.

But the last 4 falls have been awful ones. Manic episodes. My mom's death. More manic episodes. Each fall I vowed to enjoy it.

Each fall I prayed to get through it.

I find myself missing what my little girl's heart had dreamed of and planned on. Someone to help me out of the car when my hair is gray. Someone to take me to the movies. Someone to ask me how I was. Someone to take care of me.

That won't be.

I guess I am mouring what was to be, and never will.

Anger.
Fear.
Sadness.

I guess this is all part of the journey.

I just wish the fucking Fairy of Fate would quit dancing on my life and move on.