Sunday, January 03, 2010

Solitary Shadow

Of late, my mind has gone to the dogs. Literally. Last week I visited our local animal shelter with my good friends 'just to look'.... I've thought about getting another dog from time to time, but my heart just hasn't been ready since I lost Ross last July. I was quite smitten with a beautiful dog at the shelter - Waldo - and we had a wonderful love fest. He has a beautiful, kind, gentle spirit and after a talk with my daughter and my good friend, S, I made the call to say I wanted to give Waldo a new home. Alas, this beautiful animal had just been adopted hours earlier. I am positive that fate had a hand in this and I am very okay, for I know that Waldo sleeps in a warm, loving home at night now and that if it had been meant to be, it would have worked out differently.

Our weather has become absolutely beautiful. Every so often, the words 'I should go for my walk today' drift through my mind - only to be immediately scolded by my heart's armour -

"You can't. Ross isn't here anymore. You can't go for your walk without him. It will be too hard to do. Too many memories....just too many memories of when you and he would go for your walks."

And I have acquiesced every single time - sure that my heart's armour spoke truthfully....and not feeling strong enough to prove it differently. Until today...The words to walk drifted by me again, and yes, the amour had its say as well. But, I decided that with the new year, came new beginnings. So during church this morning, I decided I would take my walk when I got home. And I would take it alone.

So with laces tied up, and a good-bye wink to Skittles laying in the front garden, I took my first few steps.

Around the first corner I looked upward and asked my buddy for a little help on this first walk without him. As I did, I saw a contrail rise above a bird in this tree and smiled at the irony of this picture - a creature that flies naturally while a man-made version soars miles above.

Soon, these guys were telling me how irritated they were that I had disturbed their late morning nap as they waddled towards the water's edge - especially the one in the middle!! Ross never gave them chase, but was so intrigued with the scents around!
As I rounded the bend, my path was before me....and I had to take slow, steady breaths as I remembered how I would put Ross back on the leash and hear the children at the upcoming tot-lot always say 'Look at that dog!'

....slow, steady breaths....


The sun felt warm and I thought of how this was the place where I would be ahead....Ross off the leash again and taking his sweet time gathering scents along our way. A quick 'Come on, Ross.' would bring him running to me with a smile on his face and his silky white and black fur waving to the rhythm of his running stride. He'd race past me, only to be stopped by a curious scent at another bush up ahead. This was my favorite part of our walk.

Winter's quell has finally brought barren trees as leaves finish their annual fall....
....revealing hidden treasures among the boughs.

Over the bridge I went, but this time I was the leader...in a parade of one.
A rainbow trout swam lazily in the winter sun past a
white down duck feather floating on top.

Red berries clinging onto bare branches... this is where Ross would whine and whine as dogs would run along their back fences - barking at us incessantly! This was our least favorite part of our walk and we would briskly pass those yappy dogs as I'd soothe Ross' nerves with a gentle 'It's okay, Ross....it's okay....'

Beauty all along my path.... below me....

....and above.

On the way home I pass by one of my favorite trees -ornamented with bird's nests. By now, Ross' pace would slow just a wee bit ... and soon we'd be home to slurps of cool water and a good, good feeling.

Yes, there were some tears as I wound my way around our route - noticing that there was only one, solitary shadow along the way. Memories are still very fresh and my heart's armour is still protective of me. But I tell myself that I did it....I made our walk alone.

Or did I?

Maybe, just maybe...

I really wasn't alone after all.

6 comments:

Grumperini said...

Well this definitely struck a chord with me as my furry bff nears the end of our journey together. Every day she's a little slower, every day something gets a little harder for her, and every day I ask her to just let me know when it's time... but not to go just yet... I hope it's true that they always walk with us after...

Martha said...

Oh, Carol. I just finished reading Sheila's most recent post and laughed and laughed and then on to yours and there are tears trickling down my face. You weren't on that walk alone. I know that. I think sometimes when people tell others who are mourning that they will always have that special person or pet in their heart that it is percieved as a platitude. But, I so believe it to be true. The people and animals we love so much and who give us so much love become part of who we are. They carve a niche in our hearts that will never be filled by another, but only by the love we still have for them and the memories we have of them.

Love you, girlfriend!

barb said...

this was a beautiful post Carol...words and pics. I will keep my eye out for your perfect companion and you are welcome at the shelter anytime for a little puppy time :) Happy New Year!

kimberly said...

beautiful....and i can so relate to what this feels like....with a family of five daughters....we have said goodbye to so many loved pets and i have cried so many tears....they never leave....really.....wonderful memories!
hugs dear friend!
kimberly

Chickenbells said...

I'm sure you weren't alone at all...Ross is still very much with you. When it comes time to consider another companion, maybe you should ask Ross to help guide you to the perfect one for you? I'm sure he'd jump at the chance to help you unravel all that Doggie Love you have roaming around inside of you...there are plenty of wonderful fur babies that need homes and love. I'm sure when the time is perfect, you'll walk away with the right new companion...

Susie of Arabia said...

Carol - This is such a beautiful post. Good for you for overcoming your fears and taking that walk. And what a beautiful walk it is! How I wish there was someplace like that around here where I could walk - but there's nothing even remotely similar. My sona nd I have been going out for walks in the evenings. I think I'm going to do a post about what a walk around my area is like, compared to yours!
Thinking of you...