Juxaposed

I haven't posted reguarly in the past couple of weeks. I think about it. But I don't. Not sure why. I seem to be in a juxaposed position. Up then down. Excited then mourning. Hopeful..then scared. This kind of unsettledness weighs on me. I see in myself, feel it, understand it...but can't seem to stop it from washing over me.

Case in point...

M and I spent all day Saturday cleaning this castle for an open house the following day. The market has come to a screaming halt and so the motivation to have everything 'tip top' is upon me. No cobweb or dustbunny left unturned! The problem is that as I carefully dust, clean, straighten or wipe something, I am reminded of how painstakingly I chose that particular faucet...how I spent a whole week deciding if that was the exact color of tan that I wanted on my kitchen wall, how I purchased that dried flower swag for over the archway because I KNEW it would be perfect for that spot...and it was! My house hasn't changed in years. I like the way it's decorated. I like the wall paper border I put in my kitchen. My belief is why fix it if is isn't broken?? Yes, I really like my home.

The outside is even harder on me. I can tell you why I have each piece of decoration in my English Garden where it is. I can remember when I bought the busted fountain peices and the story with the sales clerk over them. I remember positioning and repositioning the jacaranda tree off the patio time and time again...forseeing it's growing beauty and planting it so that as you ascend the stairs, its canopy of periwinkle blooms fill the arched window with a spectacular view. (My work paid off...it's a beautiful sight!) I hear the baby birds in the nest under the eave right outside my shower window every morning. Not two feet from me, Mommy bird returns with breakfast for her hungry family. These birds have returned to this same spot for the last 5 years to refeather their nest and raise a new family. I wonder... will they miss me when I'm gone? My hummingbirds grace my patio with flight and good-natured orneriness... will the new owners feed them religiously as I do?? The carpenter bee drills hole after hole in a spare piece of pine on my potting bench...hanging like a heavy helicopter above his home outside my kitchen window. Will the new owners toss his pine home away in a heap on the trash pile? Where will he go then? Will the new owner tenderly prune and fertilize my pink rose bush...that's 14 years old? Will they??? And my cats.... I can't even imagining taking them away from the only place that they've ever know...and so truly love.... Will they run away from wherever I move them too - searching for the home they know?

Will I loose them, too?

I don't know.... I just don't know....

Yet, today a call came from a realtor wanting to show my house to a family this afternoon. I was thrilled and delighted! I even ran home at lunchtime to put the dog out and turn on soft 'mood music'! How exciting! A prospective buyer! Someone needing a home like this one! Someone wanting to see if this house fit their family! Could this be the break I've been wanting and needing? Yes, I was very excited!

But wait.... wait a minute... how can that be? How can I be mournful and sad three days ago and then be hopeful and excited that someone might want to buy my home today??

Oh.... the juxapose of it all....