Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Taking Off The Mask

This post is raw.... and not of my usual style.... just so you know. I can't count how many times I've thought of composing this post, only to negate its purpose or value or place...and move on. I've thought of what I would say and, perhaps, what I wouldn't say....

...and I have left the page blank and empty....

even though my heart is heavy and full.

Part of this comes from the side you let others see of you when you blog. I'm a basic gal and what you see is truly what you get. I don't know how to be phoney. I wear my heart and my emotions on my sleeve and my face... I could never play poker because I have absolutely no talent in masking my feelings.

But truth be told, lately I have masked my feelings.

Truth be told... I'm struggling. Struggling to make sense of events that have crossed my path.

Life does throw you curves. We all do hit potholes. We climb out of them. We get back on the road and continue on. I'm sure you've done your fair share of this, have you not?

But lately, it seems as if I am questioning 'it all'. I lost my dad 3 weeks ago. Two weeks ago I found out that my ex is now homeless. And today, it was confirmed that my dear, sweet dog, Ross, has terminal cancer. He will not be with me much longer.

I am numb.

I am weary.

I am weepy.

I am questioning 'it all'. Why so much my way? Why, when I finally get back on the road, another event comes around the curve? Why soooo, soooo much loss.... in such a relatively short amount of time? Why such hardness? Why such heartache...... ?

I am angry and bitter - shamefully, at God. I ask Him why? Why take so many precious things from me? And then, take a young, sweet dog who is adored by my students and school...a dog who saved me as much as I saved him.... why must he be taken from me, too?

And no sooner do I weep these words and thoughts, then I think of those who sit by their child's hospital bed...hoping beyond hope for a miracle... those who have no food for their family dinner, those who face illness, those who are they would give their life for my problems, for my events.... and I am ashamed that I feel as I do. There are so many in this world who suffer in ways unimaginable. I know there are so many who have it so much worse than me....and here I am feeling overwhelmed over my 'life events'.

I also really don't believe in my heart that God makes bad things happen to people. He is not a punishing God. He is a God of love. I guess right now, I'm not feeling the love. I tell myself there must be some kind of lesson that I am suppose to learn in this, but to be honest, I'm tired of learning...I'm tired of this 'school'. I don't want to learn these life lessons anymore.

But this is life. Life happens. Be it good. Be it bad. Life happens. And the learning of lessons continues, whether I am a willing student or not. I firmly believe that the universe has me walking this path for a purpose, for a reason. I just wish that my path crossed John Mellencamp's sidewalk once and that we went for a ride on his Harley...but that is not going to happen!

I've tried to forge my way through these last six weeks with as much strength and grace as I can. I'm trying to build these two things up, as well, for the days ahead with Ross. The inevitable is not going to be easy.

The next week or so will find me indulging Ross in all of his wants, until his beautiful brown eyes tell me that the time has come. The next week or so will find me apologizing to God for my anger and asking for His grace to cover me. The next week or so will find me trying to figure out how and when to tell my students about our beloved Ross. The next week will find me trying to understand the purpose and value and point of this new lesson. The next week or so will find me trying to remember to be grateful for all of the blessings that I have in my life.

So if I am quiet here, if I am a bit silent, I hope you'll understand.


Cheela said...

Carol, I am so sorry about Ross. I truly know how hard this is. Please take care of yourself. You have dealt with so much lately.

Kerri and Cameron said...

Carol, I am so sorry as well. He's been a good dog for you and maybe his purpose was to get you to this point in your life so that you know that you have the strength within you to handle anything that comes your way. But for now, even if that was the reason he was brought to you, it's hard to accept and see why this is happening. Enjoy him and take comfort in him while you have the time. I love you and we're thinking of you all.

kimberly said...

i can so relate to your words and heart.....every thing you just talked about....obviously with different circumstances....but the same thoughts and emotions.....and tiredness and anger....but through it all, thankfully, there is love and grace and mountaintops.....amazing life.
please know you are cared for, and prayed for and thought of....with a knowing heart.


Just Joni said...

I dislike the days when life seems hard and then there will be stretches when blessings abound. In my heart of hearts I don't think it's a question of fairness, but an involuntary plan for perseverance. I hope your blessings gather you in a great big hug and make you feel better. Spoil that pooch and help him be comfortable...he will leave you with a story to share with others when the time is right.

Hang in there friend ~

Meags said...

Carol, I too am saddened by your news about Ross. I have written at work to write a character counts for him. He was wonderful when your student colapsed at the flag ceremony. He laid down next to your student and protected him so peacefully and calmly. My dog which I am allergic too follows me and knows my blood sugars. He can tell if I'm low or high. He has even woken me up with a gentle nudge to let me know I'm in trouble. I have sleep apenea and when I don't use my machine he either encourage me to go to my chair where I can breath easier or put on the mask. He sleeps much better when I do either.

It's ok to be numb about everthing. It's ok to angry. God who is perfect love gets angry. It's what you do with the anger that you need to worry about. I know you know that. I love that you are who you are and that you wear your life on your sleeves. I thank you for being real.

Talk with your Dad. Free of this world you may be surprized what he'll have to offer.

I love you.


Susie of Arabia said...

Oh Carol - Your post made me just want to wrap my arms around you and give you a big long hug and whisper in your ear that everything will be all right. I don't know why at times our charmed lives are given these jolts of darkness that turn our worlds upside down. But I do know that by putting it all out there and laying it all bare, we can help share in your sorrow and help to lighten your load. It's normal to feel what you're feeling - it's all part of the process. So even though I'm on the other side of the world, just know that I care and I'm thinking of you and wishing I could make it all better for you.

Chickenbells said...

Oh Carol.

My eyes are just filled with tears. I am so sorry.

So sorry that the EX is homeless. I know how that feels. I have been through that part of the illness. This is not an easy thing to watch...Sometimes it seems as if you have to sit on the sidelines and watch life happen without being able to lift a finger to help. But, just by sitting and watching, and holding the space, and in feeling the emotions you're doing more than you'll ever know.

And, I'm doubly and triply sorry about Ross...because out of the three things to have have happen to you so recently (why do things happen in threes?!?!) he's the only one I've met personally. Give him extra love and pets for me.

It's funny, but I've been thinking about you so much recently, and thought I was keeping up on the blog reading (apparently not) and I have been wanting to call, but have been a bit mired down in my own life, and I haven't quite found my way...and now I'm sorry I haven't picked up the phone. I've also had a wicked thought or two lately, that I would just jump in my car, tie a scarf around my neck, throw caution to the wind and surprise you...which I may yet do, but we'll plan it so it won't be at a bad time...we can PLAN to throw caution to the wind together, it's like planned spontaneity.

Until then, I hope you know that I love you so much...and I'm sending good thoughts down the hill...please please please call me when you need to talk. I'll be waiting by the phone.