Work done. Tennis match done. Mail gone over. Tuna fish sandwich eaten. Dinner invite for the weekend accepted.
There is an odd sense of ok right now. Things are far from settled...so far. Things are far from over...so far. But tonight brings a sense of ok. I'll take it.
...so much going on... open house, calls from doctors, keeping tabs on responsibilities, keeping cheerful, hopeful, open to change...
If someone had told me a year ago that I would be going through all of this, I would have expected some of it, but not all of this....
Many say that I'm strong... hmmmm...
Perhaps focused... perhaps adamant... perhaps strong
It's not easy giving up a life that you have loved... the dream home, the perfect family, the oh-so-friendly neighborhood, the extra money to spend on things to foo-foo up the dream home...the garden the birds that visit the feeder, the neighborhood shops.
But... I must .. all for... peace
Peace... it's priceless...
And it is my goal... my target... my object of focus....
Is this a case of out with the old, and in with the new... ? Looks like it.
Years ago, I came up with a saying... I'm not sure why, I'm sure what the situation was... no doubt I was expounding advise to someone. But the saying has served me well... and as much as I dish it out to friends and others, I must also serve up a helping for myself...
'Sometimes, the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do.'
As hard as things are, and have been, and no doubt, will be... they are all the right thing to do.
Plans.... we all make them... in my profession I have to have complete, thought-out, directed and purposful ones every week...for every day. I live by my plans. I love to make them and I love to follow them. I take pride in my plans...they serve me (and my kiddos) well. However, they aren't always followed. Sometimes it's because of me...a 'teachable moment', a feeling of 'oh, what the hey...' Sometimes it's because of situations beyond my control...firedrills, lock downs, assemblies, etc. And sometimes, it's because of a sudden situation which you didn't and couldn't predict. Like today. Not even 20 minutes into the morning, my plans were at risk. Bruises...marks...an 'absent' brother... visual assults that couldn't be ignored. Luckily, my plans were carried out and accomplished for the four hours that I was behind closed doors...plans carried out by a wonderful support staff. But my plans for the day were gone... a day of easy learning, of enjoying each other, of shared smiles and exchanges. But it's ok. Because, no one will have marks like those and it not be reported...not on my watch, they won't.
2 am.... I wake up... and stay awake. I know I need my sleep. I know time is preciously ticking away until my alarm says "UP"...but I can't get back to sleep. Despite relaxing (uh..ok, I lie here..no relaxing at all), despite watching some t.v. (didn't help), despite snuggling down in my covers and closing my eyes (comfy, but still awake)... A night of sleep lost..to a day of feeling a bit 'gut-punched'. I tried to get a replacement phone for M, but didn't have the energy to fight the fight with the smart-ass kid behind the counter. He acted like he was doing me a favor by refusing my money (basically) and sending me out the door. I've squashed flies older than him.
My dear friend, Julie, came by for a glass of vino and crackers and cheese to 'dish' on. Always fun with her. We are muy simpatico. I'm too tired to look for something /work for me to do tonight. The bills will wait another night...my tired brain won't. So off to bed I head. Hopefully to reclaim the night I lost. Sweet dreams.
Ahh..what a difference a day makes... Yesterday I was stuck on my butt on my sofa, feeling blue and not worth a damn.
Not today.
Got a fire lit under me early! I actually had coffee at Starbuck's and read the Sunday paper - what a treat! Then off to Lowe's for some primer and paint for the Magster's room. Spent $60, but saved $240 doing it myself...yipee! It looks good and will to the trick of turning that room into something 'sellable'. Speaking of which, actually showed the house to a woman out driving around with her realtor. And then had a policeman drive by and inquire as to the price. Hopefully, more to come.
Son 1 and Son '2' came over and installed the new microwave oven and took down the quilts from up high on the walls. What a help they were. I washed all of the quilts along with the living room curtains and Mag's curtains. Cleaning the oven right now and finishing up some laundry. Cleaned out some cobwebs (literally!), dusted and some little odds and ends. A good, productive day. Much needed. Felt good.
I'm ok about selling the house and I'm allowing myself some moments of thinking about having a new house of my own. Had another great visit with Phil...he says there are all sorts of programs out there for people buying homes. Maybe this will really work out for me... I pray so. Maggie and I would have fun with a home of our own!
Baby steps...baby steps....
I'm feeling somber, tired and overwhelmed. It's hard to carry on a normal life..when you don't know what lies in the future. I'm a creature of habit and I'm also black-and-white.... meaning...I see things as 'either or'... Because of this, it's hard for me to let go and just know that things will work out. I know part of this is a mild form of the blues, and I am entitled to have a blue day now and then. I just need to make sure that they are only 'now and then'... I'm planning on taking a good, steaming hot, long, indulgent bath in a bit, putting on some comfy pajamas, and chalking this day up to a lost one.
Perhaps part of what I'm feeling today is self-induced....the ya'ya's came over last night for cosmopolitans and dishing....it was wonderful and much needed....it's always a joy to see Vicountess Cares A Lot and Vicountess Shimmering Moon. Munchies, cosmos, gossip, more cosomos, laughs, .... good medicine for the heart and soul.
I must add that I should credit two wonderful souls for inspiring me to begin a blog...the first is Keri Smith...she's a wonderful soul and very talented...you will enjoy her sight - www.kerismith.com The second one is 'swirly girl' aka christine miller... www.swirlygirl.com
this is also a delightful place to visit and i frequently find myself visiting both ladies for a dose of girlfriend inspiration...try them...and don't forget to bookmark them!
I fogot to have my realtor add to the description of my home/house that it includes two adorable, frisky hummingbirds who dine at my back porch all day long. I must leave a jar of hummingbird food for the new owners along with the directions for making more. I will leave the feeders...for I can not take the hummers with me... I'll buy new feeders for my new home...if I have one...and wherever that may be...
My house is quiet and I am alone. People on their way out for a beautiful day and I am left with my house...not a home...a house... that is now on the market. I took Thursday off from work and pitched out stuff from my kitchen. It was theraputic. I still have a lot of stuff...but it felt good to make that first step to throw out stuff I don't want to pack and move. Now I am faced with making repairs for prospective buyers. I am not sure where we will go. Close friends say I can afford a place of my own...I am not so sure. I need to stay focused...believe in my course. Know that things will work out ok.
